Blog Fade

I find myself falling into this recurring cycle of blog fade. While other bloggers find regular content to discuss, I find myself not wanting to use this space as an arena where I complain about the day's events or problems which I may be experiencing at the time I am writing. And, as I often write what's on my mind, it seems that the theme has become just that. I want the content to be worthwhile. Other people have themes. I have not yet found a theme which I can apply for writing...other than using the space to sort through whatever thoughts are in my head.

I can easily pick a daily topic dealing with a word of the day, or a theme of the week, but I don't necessarily want this space to be a pre-fab sort of generalization. Although my writing reveals information about me, I don't want to take a daily detail, such as my favorite color, and write about it for a day and then my favorite food another day. This information occasionally finds its way here, but it is in my own way that I reveal it. Friday 5 entries work to keep content on the page, but I don't want that to be this space. That kind of information seems more suitable for a facebook type of interface. I'll occasionally include a Friday 5, but I don't want the majority of my entries to fall into that specific category.

Becoming self-absorbed over the last few months, I have practically cut off all ties with my new media expression. I haven't been on Twitter as regularly as I have been in the past. I log into facebook long enough to check updates, maybe make a few comments, and then disappear into occupying myself with whatever else. I find myself logging into AIM or MSN Messenger on invisible status so as to avoid "conversations" with people. No one in particular. I just generally haven't felt much like talking to people. And, then there's my blog. I haven't written in so long.

I don't like cutting myself off from everything. I don't want to do it. But, it's what I've found myself doing. I also find myself sorthing through my thoughts (like I'm doing now) when I haven't written in an extended period of time. It's as if by telling myself in a public forum that I will write on a daily basis that it will magically happen.

I don't want my writing to be forced. But, I also don't want it to be non-existent. With that, I'm left wandering the middle, trying to find a happy medium.

What's the point of arguing with yourself?

Yes. I apparently found the need to ask myself that question. And, I often seem to find myself arguing with myself. (And, yes, sometimes those arguments are vocalized...but that's another story entirely.)

In keeping with my philosophy of life altering changes at the present moment, I was contemplating joining a gym.

This may sound like a rather mundane decision to make. This is not the case if you are in any way familiar with my thought processes.

A simple statement, "I think I want to join a gym," quickly becomes a conversation in my head.

- "Which gym should I join?"
- "I don't know. What options do I want in a gym?"
- "I'd like to have the standard cardio machines available. Maybe some weights."
- "How about a trainer?"
- "Do I need a trainer?"
- "A trainer could put me on the right track for my goals."
- "But, do I want someone pushing me?"
- "Don't I want to be pushed. I'm afraid I won't have any success unless there's someone pushing me."
- "Maybe I could go without a trainer to begin with, give myself a few weeks to see how I do on my own. I can set some appropriate goals. If I meet them, I don't need a trainer. If I don't, then I can get a trainer."
- "If I do go with a trainer, will I be able to find someone I like to work out with? I don't want someone looking at me and thinking I'm a fat slob and can't do it. But, I don't want someone who's going to go all commando on me because I'm a fat slob and they want me to drop the pounds all at once so I can start on the muscle toning."
- "I'm not really a fat slob. But, I'll be dealing with 'Lil Cindy Toothpick upping the resistance on the stair climber while I'm huffing and puffing away, trying to talk my trainer into lowering the speed on the treadmill."

Now I find myself wanting to do 10,000 sit-ups a day until I drop some weight BEFORE joining the gym. That way I can at least try to lose weight so I'm not quite as heavy when I actually do decide to join a gym.

Times They Are A Changing...

This is my new hair. Well..it's my same hair....just much, much, MUCH less of it.

When I think about it...I realize I have not had my hair this short since I was in Jr. High School. Needless to say it's been a while.

I just decided yesterday that I was going to cut my hair. Instead of the normal trim, I opted instead to lop off the better part of 10 inches or so.

And I couldn't stop there. So I let the little girl inside have some playful bangs. That said...I cut myself some snazzy bangs.

The best part of the transition is that it was completely unexpected...even to myself. The sound of my mother when I called to let her know that I cut my hair was shock and disbelief. When I talked to her after work today, she let me know that half my family can't believe it either.

For those who don't believe, it, check it out. My hair is no longer waist length. It is now as short as it looks here. No bells. No whistles. No mirrors. That's it.

That's Ms. Bitch....Get It Right

Maybe it's PMS. Maybe it's just me completely overreacting. Maybe it's just the alignment of the cosmos.

Whatever it is, I have found my normally mild-mannered self taking a hiatus. Instead of the general happy-go-lucky, smooth sailing and easy-going me, this week has seen at least two separate incidents of Ms. Bitch.

Those joking keychains, t-shirts, coffee mugs, etc. that cutely proclaim "0 to Bitch in 3.5 seconds" or such? They completely describe me this week.


Think I'm kidding? Just ask Sorg. He was unfortunate enough to encounter episode 2 this afternoon.

I really wish I could pinpoint what it is that seems to have me so irritated so I could make it stop. I don't like being bitchy. I don't like flying off the handle at seemingly trivial things. And, the worst part is that I know the things I'm screaming about are not earth shattering things. But, my normal reservations are somehow tossed aside and I find myself unable to control the fits of rage.

Even as I'm writing this, I find myself thinking about what pushed that big red button today, and my nostrils are starting to flare. Thankfully, Sorg is out with the guys for the evening and can avoid any sort of retribution.

I live and work in a generally stressful environment (heck, I work in a law office with all sorts of deadlines and pressure). I work well with the normal amounts of stress involved with my daily life. I honestly don't think I would be able to handle an environment that was completely stress free.

So what makes today any different than any other day? Why is it that those little disturbances I normally deal with or overlook seem so large and obtrusive today? And, why, for the love of God, do I have the desire to take a sledgehammer to something to work out these frustrations?

What's On TV?

It's Thursday night. This generally means Earl and The Office. NBC has figured out that people love these two shows. They have also figured out that if they toss something that people don't want to watch in between those two shows that people might actually watch that other show.

Thus I find myself "watching" Kath & Kim. I have never enjoyed the idea of this show. I've seen the various ads. And I've never had any interest whatsoever of watching it. My opinion has not changed now that I have been "forced" to watch portions of it.

Sorg and I watched Earl live tonight. This is unusual. We normally watch it on DVR. By the time we're done watching that it's time for The Office.

Tonight Sorg decided to play a mean, mean trick. After Earl was done he left the room. I continued to work on the projects I'm working on and didn't realize that he had escaped to his office to work on a project for a little bit. I happened to look up at the TV to realize that Kath & Kim was on. I looked over to ask Sorg to change the channel...and he was gone!

As there were only a few minutes left to endure, I opted to dive back into what I was working on and await the arrival of The Office.

In the hopes that NBC may eventually stumble upon this little space, I would like them to know that I do not like that they moved The Office and Earl to let the abomination that is Kath & Kim squeeze its way in between.

Brain Goo in 5...4...3...

There are so many thoughts circling around in my head that they seem to have become trapped (yet again) like a clog in the kitchen sink. Everything's so far backed up that my thoughts are no longer easily transported from my head through my fingertips to the keyboard and ultimately here.

No. No. No.

My thoughts are stuck somewhere at the base of my skull compiling in upon themselves and filling to my eyeballs and beyond. I find myself coming to the conclusion that my brain may soon be reduced to nothing more than a puddle of goo.

I think I'm going to go whip up some brownies and indulge myself before I no longer know what a brownie is, let alone how to make one.

Emotional iPod

I have come to an absolute, word of God kind of conclusion that my emotions are absolutely tied into my musical selections.

Having a technical error with the phone system at work today in which there has been some sort of surge which is causing the phones to continuously ring. No one is on the other end of the line. It just rings. There is no dial tone. It just rings and rings and rings...all 10 lines light up at once and there is no one on any of the lines.

Since the office manager has turned our actual incoming calls over to the answering service while we get the internal system error fixed, I decided to take my lunch break.

Unfortunately there's a phone in the break room which keeps ringing.

Thankfully I have my saving grace for such audible situations...my iPod.

So, I pop in my earphones, crank up the volume, hit shuffle and disappear into my own thoughts.

My iPod apparently has a sense of humor.

I'm tense. Today is one of those days I wish I were independently wealthy and didn't have to work. It is one of those days when I find it more of a possibility for me to be able to simply walk out the door and never come back. It is also one of those days when I want to smack some sense into some of my co-workers.

And, my iPod knows this.

Since it’s on shuffle because of my overwhelming ADD, things start off with some Joan Osbourne “One of Us” (Relish – 2006). Thankfully, I am able to start relaxing a little bit while I listen to the song.

Just as I think that my iPod is on my side in lowering my blood pressure, it pulls out Limp Bizkit “My Way” (Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water – 2000). Since I’m trying to relax, I decide to skip to the next song. That song? Methods of Mayhem “Crash” (Methods of Mayhem – 1999). I skip to the next song. It is “Soul Creation” by Cinder (Break Your Silence – 2003).

My iPod seems to be getting a kick out of this.

At this point, I have two options…just kick back and let my iPod go or pick an album or artist that I think I want to listen to, to realize that I really don’t want to listen to that album or artist afterall and need to choose another one.

I decide to let iPod continue to choose. But, instead of skipping songs, I’ll just listen to whatever. After Cinder, the iPod selects “Severed” by Chimaira (Pass Out of Existence – 2001), which is then followed by Rammstein’s “Du Hast” (Live Aus Berlin – 1999) and “Mouth Full of Poison” by Kittie (Oracle – 2001).

Wondering if I’ve somehow stumbled upon my “Pissed Off” playlist, I go the playlists. Oops. I have apparently been lazy and have forgotten to set up playlists.
So now that my lunch break is over, I realize that (a) I have not calmed down. In fact, I think I’m more pumped up and ready to break things; (b) My iPod thinks it’s hysterical to have me pumped up and keeps playing angry things; and (c) This day cannot be over with fast enough!